Miller's Musings Parshas Ki Setze-No Way-Ward Son

דבס''

Everyone likes a good myth.  Does it truly exist? Is it a figment of someone’s imagination?  Throughout history there have been legends, fables and folklore that have described fantastic creatures that may or may not have actually been factual or real.  The Torah however is very frank and candid in telling us that a case of a Ben Soreh U’Moreh, the wayward and rebellious child, never actually occurred. In fact the Gemoro tells us that the concept is described in the Torah solely so that it can give us the reward for learning, discussing and delving into the matter. However, this only leads to a further question, as surely the Torah is infinite and endless without any need for additional non-existent phenomena for study. 

I’m not sure there is a more difficult task in life than raising children.  Every book on the subject contains different advice and even Torah guides are never all-inclusive since each child must be educated according to their particular ways.  The case of a Ben Soreh U’Moreh was an extreme one, where a child has strayed so far from the path that there is no way back.  But what we clearly see is the need for consequences for a child’s actions.  No child can be allowed to do whatever their heart desires and no child can be left to their whims.  There must be rules for them to abide by and repercussions if they do not do so.  This, says Reb Moshe Mordechai Epstein zt’l, is the reward that we gain from learning this enigmatic portion of the Torah.  Not the reward for the learning, but a reward for our positive and effective child rearing which will result from the lessons learnt here.

Where once children were to be seen and not heard and punishments for not adhering to rules barbaric and cruel, we seem now to have swung to the other extreme, allowing for any chosen behavior under the guise of empathy and inclusivity.  As with all the greatest battles, it is fought on a tightrope and maintaining one’s balance is everything.  Too much rigidity can be disastrous but too much permissiveness may be even more calamitous.  We must find the balance that allows for a child’s self-expression and unique personality to shine, whilst maintaining a base level of behavior and morality that lies strictly within the parameters of the Torah and its eternal wisdom.  To this end there must at times be consequences for negative actions, but the context in which they are received is paramount.  It must be one in which the child is already secure in the knowledge of the love they have experienced and felt time and time again, throughout their lives, so that they know that however it may appear, even this is an expression of love. 

*May Shabbos help us with the balance of our lives*

לעילוי נשמת לאה בת אברהם 

לעילוי נשמת שרה יעל בת גרשון

לרפואת אלימלך יהושע אהרון בן דבורה רבקה